On Returning to Work and Daycare

I was one of the lucky ones. I took 12 weeks off after Claire was born. I worked all the way up to the day Claire was born, in fact I went into labor at work. I intended to work through my due date so her birth could not have come at a more opportune time to take advantage of my full 12 weeks of leave. It doesn't seem possible to me that 12 weeks have gone by and that I had to go back to work. It went way to fast and it breaks my heart to be away from my girl.  

On the 17th of January I returned to work after 12 weeks away. To make things easier on me Tim stayed home with Claire the first two days I went back to work. And to make things even easier on me he brought her to work at lunch time both days so I could nurse her and of course see her. It was strange to be back at work. Everything was the same yet different. I suppose I am the one that is different now but I'm also that same person. Funny how that can be. 

My biggest anxiety about returning to work revolves around pumping. 

I plan on breastfeeding Claire for as long as possible which means I have to pump at work several times a day. Ideally it means that I should pump every time she gets a bottle. But in the real world it means I pump three times a day. I've been worried about being able to keep up with my work while running out three times a day and how the people I work with will react to me running out so much. So far I've had no problems with either but I haven't had a busy schedule to keep up with yet.  Perhaps the biggest downfall of my job is that I don't have a private office space. In fact I don't even share an office. I work in a large shared lab space that people and customers are in and out of all day long. I don't even feel comfortable drying the pumping parts on my desk (I have a small drying rack I keep in a desk drawer). Where do I pump? 

In a small dirty room on the first floor of my building. Because my employer is so large they are required to provide space for me to pump. Some of the other ladies in the department who have recently had children clued me in on the "pumping room" and how to get access to it (talk to the building manager). I went into work about a week in advance to check out the room and get a key. So glad I did that. It was so dirty that I needed to bring something to wipe down the surfaces I'd be using. It clearly hasn't been cleaned in a long time. The chair was terrible and uncomfortable. I'm half tempted to bring something in to put on the wall to make it more interesting. Basically it's a dusty storage room/ unused office with a fax machine in it (that's infrequently used). At least I have a private place to go that isn't a bathroom or conference room. The building manager has been super nice as well. I had asked him if I could use the chair in the outer office once in a while if my mom brings Claire up to nurse on my lunch hour. Instead of saying yes he did one better. He got me a brand new, really nice and comfortable office chair for the room. Score! My office chair isn't nearly as nice. 

Can I say that I hate pumping. I hate it. It's just not my cup of tea. I'm guessing most women don't like it but you do what you have to do for your children. While I can, I will continue to pump and breastfeed for as long as possible. I pump 5 times a day on weekdays and 3 times a day on weekends. 3 times at work (morning, lunch, and afternoon) and once after Claire's first morning feeding and once after she goes to bed. So far I seem to be doing pretty well with how much I'm getting. I usually get 4-8 ounces first thing in the morning and 1-2 ounces before I go to bed. At work I'm still not sure how much I'll get on a consistent basis. My first two days back I did pretty well and I pumped enough to cover what she ate during the day. Thursday I could barely get anything out but I was also super stressed about Claire's first day at daycare. So far this week I'm keeping up pretty well with what I pump at work, everything else is for the freezer stash!

Liquid Gold

Daycare... Thursday the 19th Claire went to daycare for the first time. We chose an in home daycare rather than a traditional center. I spent an afternoon with Claire at daycare the week before so I felt pretty confident that she would be fine in the long run. Of course she cried (and I cried) when we dropped her off. A half hour later I heard from our friends (dropping off their little boy) that Claire had started to calm down and was doing well. A couple hours later I got a picture message of Claire very calm and in the swing. Overall she did well but didn't eat much during the day. Instead of having the 3-4 bottles that she probably should have had she had 3 very small bottles. She eventually cooperated and took a bottle at the end of day. Our daycare provider will also do cloth diapers for us so we've been able to continue with those (this is another post in itself). I took the following Friday off and I'm so glad that I did. Claire had me up several times that night to nurse (she was making up for lost time I think) and I was a zombie the next day. You get used to sleeping a certain amount at night and it really throws you off to have it change out of the blue.
So far returning to work hasn't been all that bad. I miss my baby terribly and take every opportunity I get to look at pictures of her. I also have to resist the urge to call the daycare a million times a day! I'm sure it gets easier/better but it pretty much sucks. Even though I miss her, I do have to admit that it's not to have adult conversations and to have intellectual stimulation. I also find comfort in the fact that this is the best thing for Claire. We need both our incomes to be financially stable so we both work.
We're still having some trouble with Claire taking a bottle and are trying out different types. So far we've tried Dr. Brown's, Tommy Tippee, Advent, and we'll be trying Medela Calma. Basically she screams her head off when offered the bottle no matter which one and then eventually eats a little. Afternoon feedings seem to be better but I'm guessing hunger overpowers her distaste of the bottle. Anyone else out there with this problem, what did you do?

3 months old!

2 weeks old

Somehow we blinked and our baby turned 3 months old this past week. She went from being a newborn to a baby. I love how she interacts and that we're starting to see her personality come out. But I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss the newborn Claire. She was so tiny and now she's giant!

Here she is at three almost three months old. It's amazing the difference between then and now. She's really got a little personality and is start to have little opinions about the world. One week or so before she turned three months she decided that she didn't like bottles anymore. She had been taking a bottle just fine and then no more. Just in time for me to go back to work and for her to NEED to take a bottle.

Almost 3 months

Some big milestones this month have been:

More head control (a lot more)

Sitting up (supported)

Finding her hands (she loves to suck on them)

Grabbing and holding onto her toys

Talking even more (she loves to coo and carry on little conversations)

Rolling from tummy to back (she did this one week before 3 months)

Transitioning from the co-sleeper to full time crib sleeping

Transitioning from the swaddle to a sleep sack (we figure if she can find her hands now she may start to self soothe a little more)

The other big event in our lives this month is that I've gone back to work and Claire has started daycare. We are lucky to live close to family and my mom will be watching Claire two days a week and the other three she'll be in daycare (more on all this later).

Months 1-2

Because I started writing so long after Claire's birth, I wanted to at least write about the highlights of the last few months. There are so many changes and developmental milestones in those first 12 weeks that you don't know what you'll wake up to. The first few weeks we were home from the hospital were hard (see Postpartum Me) but the hardest part for both my husband and I was the sleep deprivation.

Claire was one of those babies that had her nights and days mixed up and on top of it all she had a touch of colic. The second night we were home from the hospital she cried for so many hours straight that we thought something was wrong with her. She wouldn't even nurse or take a bottle she was so beside herself. We tried everything we could think of and in the end I called my mother at 3am asking her to come over. As soon as my mom took her in her arms she fell asleep! And we went straight to bed. Our nights were similar to this for several weeks (without the help of mom) until Tim remembered something about babies being soothed by the sound of hairdryers. In the middle of one of her long stretches of crying Tim tried out the hairdryer and she instantly fell asleep. This was how we became white noise addicts in our house. Actually Claire is the addict but if she sleeps well than so be it.

Not long after discovering the white noise she started sleeping more regularly and for longer stretches at night. I remember the first time she slept for 5 hours we thought something was terribly wrong with her!

Tim passed out with Claire

Sometime around Thanksgiving she woke up to the world and started really looking around and really looking at us. That was a pivotal moment for all of us. The zoloft had regulated some of my emotions and I was starting to feel more connected. This was also right around the time she turned 1 month old. At her one month appointment she weighted 10lb 10oz and was 22 inches!! If there was any doubt breastfeeding was going well it was gone! We were thrilled. Our baby girl was thriving.

1 month old!

 

Hello world!

Christmas was upon us faster than we could imagine. Tim's mom and brother came from Nebraska the week before Christmas. His mom was amazed by how much Claire had grown. Christmas eve I read a book to Claire before she went to bed and I remembered Christmas 2010. I had been so sad that I wasn't pregnant and really struggled with the holidays that year. Looking back on that moment and seeing where we were this year meant so much to me. It was the first time since Claire had been born that I cried because I was truly happy and joyful. I looked at my girl with sheer wonder that we had made her and she turned out so perfect and so beautiful. This was the best Christmas I've ever had in my life and I felt truly grateful and blessed to be a mom to Claire. Living so close to family makes the holidays even more special. We get to spend a lot of time together and we've been able to maintain our family traditions.

For Christmas she got an activity mat and it was perfect timing for what her developmental stage. She started with accidentally grabbing onto things and is now working on really grabbing and pulling on them.
The week after Christmas Claire had her two month check up and her first big round of immunizations. She was a real champ and did great. That day and the next couple of days she was a little fussy and slept a lot. And once again she blew us away with how big she was. She weighed in at 12lb 15oz and measured 23.75 inches!

Our year ended on a very high note. This year is a big year in the U.S. for snowy owls (NPR story on snowy owls) (New York times article on owls)and many have been seen in the county we live in. New Year's Eve we went looking for one that had been sighted about 20 minutes from our house. We packed Claire up into her car seat and went driving and looking. We had success! I forgot the camera so we didn't get any pictures. But here's a picture of Claire from the New Year:

So different from that sleepy newborn!

Postpartum Me

Those weeks and days after Claire was born were so hard. Extreme sleep deprivation combined with a slow healing process from the delivery left me confused, emotional, and sad. I wanted desperately to feel happy and completely in love with my baby. Instead I felt the opposite. One sleepless night when there were no tears left in me I told Tim we should send condolence cards to people when there babies are born instead of congratulations. In all honestly all I really remember is feeling tired, sad, isolated, and lonely even though I was surrounded by loving and caring family and friends. Fortunately my family lives close to us so we had a lot of support during those early weeks. I'm not sure Tim or I would have made it without them. I never expected my body to hurt so much or for it to be an ordeal for me to even leave my house.
Breastfeeding was a nightmare for us at the beginning and I was in more pain from that. That did improve slowly over time and by the time I was 3 weeks postpartum it was going fairly well. However at that time I was not doing well. Those pesky baby blues had settled in to what appeared to be something more.
Postpartum depression. There I said it. It's ugly and horrible. I was a mess. I wasn't bonding with Claire and I felt nothing but cried all the time. I felt like a failure, like I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't soothe my daughter. Every time I tried to carry her my body would rebel and hurt or worse give out on me. Physically my recovery was very slow and I had all sorts of ugly things happen to me that even now I'm embarrassed by. By the time I was 3 weeks postpartum I couldn't even sleep. I would try but sleep would elude me. My mother and Tim strongly encouraged me to call the midwives. This wasn't the baby blues. The midwives had me come in the same day I called. Tim went with me and helped me talk through everything with Vanessa. She recommended that I go on zoloft and either seek counseling or at least talk to other new moms. I wasn't happy about going on zoloft, in fact the whole thing made me feel like even more of a failure. Everything I read about postpartum depression told me that we were catching it early and that it was likely due to a hormonal imbalance.
When you are pregnant you have some pretty strong hormones surging through you and then when you give birth your body goes cold turkey. Thus why so many women experience the baby blues. Some women don't bounce back (hormonally) and end up with PPD. And some women need medication or some just seek counseling. I'll be honest I'm still not convinced I needed to take the zoloft but everyone seems to think I'm more like me. Now I feel like me (at least more often than not) but it took a long time and reduction in the dose I was on.
Within a couple of weeks of going on the zoloft I started to feel better and I slowly started to fall in love with Claire. It kills me that I felt so little during those early days. I wish I could take them back and do them over. Just knowing it would get better would help. The three things that I think saved me where the fact that we had a healthy baby, that we were successful in breastfeeding (very successful in fact), and the fact that I felt so good about her birth. Whenever I felt particularly bad I could always look at those things and feel good about something.
Physically recovering from Claire's birth has been very hard. When I had my 6 week checkup I was still not feeling as good as I thought I should. And I was right. Apparently I wasn't quite fully healed and was told that I should feel better in a couple of weeks.
After that 6 week appointment I started exercising. Slowly at first. I had already started walking before then. I started with some gentle yoga, strength training, and elliptical. I love our gym and went regularly up until the beginning of October. As the week of my return to work approached both Tim and I realized that it was going to be difficult if not impossible for me to get to the gym once I went back to work. We did a lot of talking and some browsing on amazon for exercise equipment. I had already been doing all my strength training and yoga at home so all I needed was a reliable way to do some cardio exercises. Before I got pregnant I regularly went to spinning classes at our gym and loved them. It's something I've missed a lot over the past year so we looked into buying a spinning bike for our home. We bought one and it arrived the week before I went back to work. I love it and have been able to use it several times already. It's a great workout and I love that I don't have to leave my Claire to get a good workout!
Exercising is a top priority for not just me but for Tim as well. We both know in order to loose the baby weight (and I gained a lot and needed to loose when I got pregnant) that I need to exercise. I'm super motivated and I know I'm doing it not just for me but for my entire family. In December right before the holidays I also joined weight watchers. Of course with the holidays I didn't loose much but I didn't gain anything either. So that's a win. So far I've lost about 5lbs since joining not bad all things considered.
I recently went back to work (another post for another day) which is presenting it's own new challenges for exercise and me. What I've learned in the last three months is that I'm a strong woman and that I need to be patient with myself. It took me 9 months to grow a baby. Now I'm raising a person and it may take a little time to get my body back.
Pregnant Me:

39 week bump

39 weeks pregnant

 Postpartum Me:

8 weeks postpartum

Changes: Welcome to the World Claire.

A little about myself. Born on the east coast, moved to the Midwest as a young kid. Went to college, joined Peace Corps, went back to school, and now I work in a DNA sequencing lab. But the thing you really need to know about me now is that I became a mom in October of 2011, really I became a mom when I got pregnant in January of 2011. Yep I'm a mom. If you had asked me a few years ago if I would ever have a baby I'm not sure what I would have said. Well the baby bug bit me and fast forward to January 2012. I have a beautiful baby girl. Born October 21st, 2011. Life changed that day. To start I'll share her birth story. I wrote this (way back in November) for our daughter so that if she should ever want to know her story it would be available to her.  (I should give you fair warning that I do share a lot here so if you don't want details then don't read on).

Friday October 21st 40 weeks pregnant and our baby girl's due date. I told her to stay in one more day, that Mama hadn't slept well for days and needed a restful day before she could come. Tim and I got up and went for our morning walk, this time only to the park and back. I was tired from another night of not sleeping. Then off to work, my last day of work before my maternity leave started. Went through all my normal stuff at work and around 11:30 finished up for the day; I planned on leaving after our lab lunch.

Sometime just before lunch I started feeling funny and antsy. During lunch the feeling intensified and I got very quiet and started feeling waves of cramping (like getting a period). I remember thinking that I might be able to time them but didn't want to freak out everyone at lunch so I ate my lunch and texted Tim to come get me at 1:30. The feeling that I wanted to be home and away from everyone started as well. I started to wonder if this might be the beginning of labor or just another false alarm. My plan was to have Tim drop me off and I would take a nap and see if the cramping would go away.

I left work at 1:30 and went home. As soon as I lay down in bed I knew I wouldn't be sleeping, the cramping was clearly coming in time-able waves. I was confused because I always assumed contractions would be felt in my entire belly and not just low in my belly. I got out my phone and started timing them. They were 3.5 minutes apart and 40-45 seconds long. We were told to go to the hospital when they came 3-5 minutes apart and lasted 45 seconds or more; we were right on the edge. I called Tim and told him he should come home and got in the shower to see if that would slow things down. After the shower I realized they were just getting stronger.

I called our doula, Trish (http://www.treeoflifedoulas.com/) , and she suggested that I try lying down again and take a bath. I tried lying down but wasn't comfortable. My mom stopped by with some OJ (I thought it would be a long labor or no labor at all). After she left Tim made me some macaroni and cheese and sliced an apple for me. I munched on it a little and then got in the bath, still thinking I was in false labor. My contractions were still just like getting a bad period, low in my belly and my back aching (still timing 3.5 minutes and 40-45 seconds). I was starting to get to the point where I couldn't sit down so I got in the tub, where I relaxed for maybe 30 minutes.

My contractions got more intense so I called Trish around 6:30. At this point I couldn't always talk through them and was pretty much always kneeling over the ottoman or leaning on the kitchen counter. Sitting was out of the question and my back was really starting to hurt. She asked if we wanted her over and I said I didn't know (I was unable to make a decision at this point). Tim said yes and that maybe she would "scare them away" (the contractions). By the time she came over I could no longer talk through any of the contractions and I was starting to realize that this might be the real deal. My brother Eric came and took Safari to his house so she wasn't alone if we had to leave for a few days. Tim started putting the last minute things in the hospital bag and took a shower.

At this point I could no longer sit on anything, not even between contractions. It felt like a bowling ball was between my legs. My back ached very badly and the only ways I could labor (for most of the night) was to stand and lean on the kitchen counter or kneel on the floor and lean over the ottoman. Walking was good but I had to lean over to deal with the contractions and sway my hips. Trish put pressure on my back which felt wonderful during contractions and had me try some different positions to alleviate the discomfort. I don't know what I would have done without her; having her there made me relax and I was never scared.

At some point Tim was trying to get some music going for me when during a contraction (still just cramping) I felt a pop and it felt like I peed my pants just a little (maybe around 8:30). I must have made a noise because Trish asked me what happened and I said I had felt a pop and thought I peed my pants. Off to the bathroom I went (again for the zillionth time, I must have gone every 15-20 minutes). On the toilet the intense pressure I was feeling low in my pelvis all night had intensified. I also felt a small gush of liquid that was definitely not urine. My water had broken and I was really in labor.

Well of course I was but it just wasn't what I expected, I still had not felt a full on belly contraction (although I was told my entire belly was contracting). It was all in the back and low in my belly and like a super bad period. And yes my periods really were that bad. Obviously the cramps were far more intense than that but I could still talk between the contractions and was pretty relaxed. I went back out in the living room and Trish asked me what I wanted to do and I said maybe we should leave right way. I wasn't sure I would be able to stand a car ride for much longer. Tim packed the car and Trish called labor and delivery.

We left the house just before 9 pm (I think because time got really funny for me). I rode in the back of Trish's car kneeling on the floor because I really could not sit. We went straight through the emergency room. Tim caught up to us very quickly. The girl checking people in didn't want to send me up to L&D without a nurse checking me (she didn't want me to have a baby in the elevator). Thank goodness Trish was with us, she just kept us moving so we didn't have to wait. A nice nurse ran into us at the (locked) doors to the hospital and let us through (and got us a wheelchair for all our stuff) the locked doors to the hospital. The walk from the emergency room to the L&D elevators is very long and I labored the whole way. Tim said that by this time I had stopped talking at all and I was completely focused on walking or the contraction I was feeling. It was the longest walk of my life. Looking back it’s clear that at some point after my water broke that I went into transition and my labor was moving along very quickly at this point.

During this stage the contractions were much closer together than 3.5 minutes and we would stop and I would lean on Tim for the 45 second long contraction. Moaning sometimes when they were more intense. The feeling of pressure low in my pelvis increased. We finally got up to L&D just after 9 pm. I remember thinking when we got up to the 10th floor that I didn't want to walk all the way to the nurse’s desk and then back to a triage room so I kneeled on the wheelchair the rest of the way (funny because I already had walked so far to ride the last few steps).

They took me straight into a room and we skipped triage (probably because my water had broken). Trish had already told me that Ray Spooner was the midwife on call that night and that he was at dinner and would meet us at the hospital. The nurse checked us in and had me put on a hospital gown (that I got rid of right away and used the gown my aunt and cousin had given me-hospital gowns are horrible). It covered a little more and felt more comfortable and like real clothes. They hooked me up to the fetal monitor and a contraction monitor as I continued to labor on the bed kneeling over the pillows. My arms and legs were starting to feel the strain of the position and I was feeling tired. Sometime around 10 pm Ray and his midwife student Wendy came in to check me out. They wanted me to lie on my back between contractions (horribly painful) and I braced myself to hear I was only 4 cm dilated. Ha!! I hear Wendy ask: “Do you feel pushy at all?”. What?! I was 9.5 cm dilated with only a small anterior lip of my cervix remaining, the baby’s head was right there (+2 station). They said if I felt the urge to push to go for it!! I couldn't believe it. Good thing we left home when we did!! 

Tim encouraging and helping me.

Maybe a half hour later, I started to feel the urge to bear down. Trish had moved me to the couch (it was little darker and more private there). I remember Tim eating a granola bar just before I started pushing. Oh and I remember thinking when they told me I was complete there goes the water birth (which we thought we might try for if it worked out) and there goes any possibility of pain meds (we didn't want to use them but liked that they were an option). I also remember thinking as I started pushing that this couldn't possibly be happening so fast I didn't have any time to get used to the idea that I was having a baby (not that I didn't have nine months).

The urge to push became greater and we moved to the bed. The midwives suggested I try to void my bladder on the toilet. Of course I couldn't. Wendy and Tim were very encouraging at this point and stayed with me. Wendy said I needed to relax and that I was tensing up. Sitting on the toilet was the best thing I did... I figured out how to push and to me my pushing felt more effective after this. We went back to the bed and I got on my hands and knees but I was so tired. They suggested I try lying on my side (holding my leg up for to make room for baby to come down). This is when things really got moving. Oh and did I mention I had an audience, yes I think there were like 8 people in the room. Still not sure why but at that point I didn't care who saw what. So much for modesty. Just get the baby out.

The pushing was the worst, it hurt so badly. Trish, Wendy, and Tim were amazing. So encouraging and helping me push (really they just were helping me focus and get the most out of each push). No one told me when to push; they let me do that on my own. I had only one moment of doubt when I said I wasn’t sure if I could do it and Trish told me yes I could. Ok, I knew I had no choice. Before I knew it they were telling me she had a full head of black hair (that they joked they could start braiding right away) and I would have a baby soon. At 11:42 pm on October 21st Claire Marie came into the world screaming (she was crying before she was fully out)! A perfectly healthy baby girl! 

Claire Marie

Everything else was a blur from then on. I know that Tim cut the cord (which was very short). I remember asking Trish if they always cry so much when the come out (she didn't stop crying for a long time). Our original plan was for Claire to stay with me for as long as possible before they weighed and measured her but she was crying so much that Trish encouraged (in a gentle way) that she get checked out. She was 7lb 7oz and 21 inches long and perfect. While they weighed and measured her Ray and Wendy worked on me. I had a 2nd degree tear that needed stitches. Apparently (I had no idea at the time and didn't know until much, much later when Ellen the midwife on call the next day talked to me) I lost a lot of blood during the delivery and they had to give me pitocin to help stop the bleeding. I did not hemorrhage but I did lose enough blood that I could not physically get out of bed into a wheelchair to go up to the 11th floor recovery room. In fact I could not get out of bed on my own for almost the entire day Saturday. At one point Saturday morning I even passed out. It's all worth it though... to see all those fingers and toes and her sweet face. .

Our first photo together

Proud daddy

Midnight feeding

I wasn't the only one that had a rough delivery. It turns out little Claire did to. She cried a lot and was very fussy right off the bat and in combination we had a poor start to breastfeeding (another story in itself). In the end we learned that she swallowed a lot of amniotic fluid and blood during the delivery (her head acted as a cork when my water broke and it didn't come out until she did). They ended up suctioning her stomach two times on Saturday morning, the second time they removed over 50cc of fluid and air. The poor thing had a belly ache all that day and was probably miserable. She's doing great at the time I'm writing this (6 days old) and gained 4oz from the time she left the hospital (on the 24th) to the time she had her first pediatrician appointment (on the 25th). The combination of breastfeeding and formula did wonders for her. She's now completely off the formula and doing great!

It's funny because Tim and I had a birth plan that went something like this: no expectations, no plan, just try everything we can to make me comfortable and to avoid a lot of interventions and drugs with the caveat that they are there for a reason and we would use them if we needed to. In the end we got just what we wanted no interventions and no drugs (eek)! We had all these expectations and plans for Claire’s delivery but they all went out the window the moment she arrived. Nothing went as planned. This was our first lesson in parenting: plan as much as you can but just go along for the ride when things don’t go according to plan!

It’s been 12 days since Claire was born and I’ve gained some perspective on things. I feel great about her birth. At first I didn’t know how I felt, everything else was so overwhelming and physically I felt like a freight train had hit me. 12 days later I feel much better (although still recovering) and I can look back on her birth with more clarity. I’ve never felt more empowered in my life. If I can give birth to such a beautiful baby girl with just the support of Tim and Trish (and of course our midwife) I can do anything. I never expected that I could go into myself and let my body do what it needed to do without resisting (at least too much). I tend to be a planner and a bit of a control freak and I’m really proud of myself for truly letting go and letting my body take over for me. 

Sleepy girl